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[Jul. 10th, 2009|04:43 pm] |
The revelation that follows.
The reality, already understood as a result from some earlier comprehension but not-yet-realized-ramifications until of late: the voice in my head that shouts at me to mind my business know that your actions echo YOU HAVE INFLUENCE YOU MUST USE IT WISELY YOU MUST MIND IT VERY MUCH? It is not the mandate of without that compels me to obsessively self-monitor. It is the mandate of within. As such, it is my own voice that I shout myself down with. Subsequently I may instead swallow that shout within one more pleasing to the heart.
Permission to break, bend, or violate internal rules is a dangerous thing, because those actions implicitly acknowledge and recognize the presence of that internal rule. You have to seek the way around the proscription every time you wish to act against it, appeasing the internal monitor on every occasion.
The block is of your own creation. Its strength is your strength: useful when you are uncertain of your understanding or your motives, but counter-intuitive when you trust your general instincts in these matters. Why dominate yourself needlessly, and waste energy that could be put into better places?
That's the answer for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|12:42 am] |
Some days ago, there was a discussion about how or why we choose the words we do in face-to-face conversation. When asked, I said that I chose my words based not on the way they feel to say, but rather to narrow down a point-- connotations and contexts, a step against misinterpretation and an attempt to convey intentionality.
The assessment in answer was that my verbal use of language seemed based around a defensive tactic. That thought struck me fairly strongly, leaving me to consider the how and why that such a method and means would come into being, and what repercussions it might have for the rest of my life.
When I sit here at the machine, trying to think of how to verbally express the sentiment, I pause and begin writing and find that it comes much more naturally through hand and finger and nonverbal congress. Spoken sentences trail off halfway through as I'm speaking them; the thought must be wrestled, and expressed anew with a slightly different wording or phrasing. Revision comes as a mandatory part of speaking-- thus the pauses, thus the hesitations when I feel it necessary to have to be as clear as I can, or if I think someone else will take a personal spin I feel should not be taken from it.
That last bit, though, is what brings me to think: is that a concern which is grounded in reality? Is it something I've concocted to fill in the blanks, something to make the universe (or myself) more regular, defined, understandable? Is it based in the former but expanded into the latter? Or is it simply something else entirely?
...conscious thought is slow. Thinking about speaking makes it slower. Why do I think so much about speaking? Training? Neurology? Topics? Circumstances? People? Perception of the inquiry's intended direction? Silence is animated by a presence of conscious thought, making it palpable; it's also animated by trying to nail down a train of thought in the forebrain. Apparently, pencil/pen/keyboard don't have to filter through that clog in the highway, that very, very slow relay-- or it doesn't have to filter through it nearly as often as the topics that emerge in direct interpersonal conversation do. Frequency? Direction? Dealing ALSO with the reams of data that also spool outwards from nonverbal aspects of communication?
There's this JAM in my head. Something flips, communication suddenly gets routed through that junction, stays there forever in a holding pattern while I have to pick out individual words to build a ramp out of it. I don't think it's exclusively spoken communication that gets routed into this jam-- not anymore-- but the trigger eludes me. It's not just the one thing. It's never just the one thing.
And I wonder, in the same breath, if this has anything to do with other evaluations. If accurate, I don't see how they aren't connected. Knowing the answer, though-- will it help? Will I be satisfied with a concrete pronouncement? Do I WANT to be satisfied with a concrete pronouncement? Or do I need to dig further, looking for that series of tubes below the surface that will gain me access to a great deal more?
...yeah. That's what's been on my mind the past while. Ever chasing... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2009|06:48 pm] |
Apparently, if you take one can of condensed tomato soup (fluffed up with milk) and mix in two packs of crunched-up smashed-up pulverized ramen noodles (no seasoning packet), you get homemade spaghetti-o's.
Who'd have thought?
Meanwhile, OH GAWD WHERE ARE MY KEYS. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|05:13 am] |
Spiral power.
Screaming, unbound. It's not the sort that goes inwards, or up, or down, but OUT. Laughing, reveling, suffering, embracing everything that is and could be.
(Also: Jaysus Cripes where did my day go?) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2009|04:22 am] |
Oh, the song of CONTROL! I can hear it ever-clearly when things are at their best, I lose sight of it when things are at their worst. Cause and effect, thought into action into reaction into a thousand other chains.
Processes as people, people as processes. Emergent statistically-implausible actual-present tessellating fractal RECURSION. One in a hundred million trillion billion is now, against all odds, the infinitesimal made manifest and how-could-it-be-anything-but that very longshot?
Everything is -always- coming up Millhouse. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2009|04:02 pm] |
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I have been remiss in not finding a way to watch Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann before now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2009|09:34 pm] |
I seem to have gone the entire month of May without a post.
That's kind of awesome.
Meanwhile? More of the same, which is pretty good. |
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[Apr. 25th, 2009|01:09 am] |
Did you know that if you watch the Lord of the Rings movie backwards, it's a story of a short guy who finds a cool ring in a volcano and then takes it home?
Did you know that if you watch the Watchmen movie backwards, Dr. Manhattan turns from a terrifying super-entity formed from the excesses of science to a well-respected pillar of society?
...if you watch Memento backwards, it makes sense?
...if you watch 300 backwards, Leonidas comes home with his shield?
...if you watch Revenge of the Sith backwards, Anakin yells "NOOOOOOOO" then marries Padme?
...if you watch Hero backwards, a thankful king rewards the nameless assassin who comes to killhim and sends him off with honors?
...if you watch Scooby Doo backwards, he chases the ghost?
...if you watch The Last Unicorn backwards, a sad but wise unicorn takes human form for a time and ends up happier, dumber, and blissfully ignorant as a result of her experiences?
Now you try! =D ... I couldn't stop because I was way more tired than I suspected. ._.
EDIT: I love you guys. Keep it coming. :D |
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[Apr. 23rd, 2009|03:17 pm] |
It only takes a poem on the sidewalk to bring the memories back.
It's the difference between watching the universe crumble when you're ready for it to do so and having the carpet of cause and effect pulled out from beneath you. I was ready, then; confident I would emerge whole, if not unchanged-- but all experiences change us, slightly, for if we do not change then we strain and we break. It's nigh-universal.
But... yeah. When flesh betrays the mind, or mind betrays the flesh (if such a thing is actually possible-- the two are one are two)... I can remember it fairly clearly, and I remember the impossible clarity of that unnameable, primordial insight. It calls to me with two voices: the Way Within and Without, and the fanatic with the crooked knife. Selfhood submerged. Selfhood subsumed. Silent... or screaming.
Still hunting, still harvesting. The more I work, the more there is to do. There's not enough space in my lungs for the breath I want to draw-- what do I do with the breaths I take until then? Whoami-Whatdoiwant-Whyamihere-Whereamigoing?
Everything comes back to time. Energy. Effort. Practice and rehearsal.
There's the vague sense that all of this is building to something. What that would be, though... |
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[Apr. 20th, 2009|10:39 pm] |
In the vein of things that people might think are awesome, anyone who reads Order of the Stick and doesn't read Erfworld needs to start. Started out as a lampoon of strategy games of all sorts, and has slowly been building on that to include other points-- political as well as military tactics, and over the past ten or so updates... it's become something more, at long last.
Those of you looking for updates on the rest of my life or the latest of my outbursts will be heartened, however briefly, by this summary of the past few months: work. School. Research assistant work. Gaming (playing in one, running two suddenly). Internet. Time with m'ladyfriend whenever we can snag it together.
Going to be measuring money in the next few weeks, seeing what I can do to avoid working over summer. Might amuse myself by going back to the convenience store, just to see how terrible things have become over there since I left some several months back. Would totally take a better job if there's an opportunity. Wonder if the SA tutors need people over the summer?...
Want the holding pattern to be over and done. Knowing there's an end for anything-- even something unpleasant-- doesn't make the waiting better.
Maybe I'll start weaving the two schools of thought over the summer. |
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[Apr. 10th, 2009|01:43 pm] |
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Damn you, Pandora. You put the Minibosses on, set it to Mega Man 2 and the Stage Select screen-- how am I supposed to not fire up the emulator and go through the familiar motions of the dance? >:| |
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[Apr. 4th, 2009|10:56 pm] |
Let's elaborate.
I have said before that fact is objective; truth, subjective (though many (actively/passively) decide to believe otherwise. The natural process of the universe are in abundance, and we are constantly refining our understanding of those emergent dynamics. Our observance of physical reality is limited by a number of processes; most of these are physiological in nature (we cannot observe certain information quanta, such as light outside the visible spectrum (what an indictment!) or gravitational processes or quanta or evaporation), and while some genetic outliers are capable of receiving these processes through the happening of their genetic processes and protein syntheses, without common terminology/interpretation these findings are uninterpretable and not quite useful to the Mass.
Fact is objective. Fact can be suppressed (see: the many morbidly-amusing means by which the European Church endeavored to retain power and the perception of infallibility in the face of things such as astronomy), but fact is objective. Truth?... truth is less reliable than fact.
Here's something that might surprise you: you can't -not- believe everything you read. Even this. If your eyes are at all on this particular entry, there is a part of your brain that interprets what I have written here as absolute fact. Do you believe it forever? Despite how it might entertain me to imagine so, the answer is no... at least, that is, if you do any critical thinking on what you've been presented. A moment's analysis is often sufficient to dissuade you from ideas you know are patently false (eg.: for most of us, the whole of the Weekly World News), but for that briefest fraction of a moment, you belong to that idea. This is one of the principles that underlies brainwashing techniques: if you have a person long enough, can wear them down with time and effort and not a little cruelty (lulling alpha-wave rhythms, sleep deprivation, starvation), you can disengage the part of their mind that is capable of critical thinking and drum your ideas into them. Familiarity leads to recognition and appreciation, and then we play into the cognitive dissonance idea and that human beings desperately want the world and themselves to be consistent...
No, truth is not objective. Truth has a far more interesting place in our world-- a purely human one-- and that is why it is so delightful. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2009|11:08 am] |
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An amusing thought: I am actually a functioning sociopath with whacked priorities. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 17th, 2009|02:35 am] |
Metaphorical Postulation:
Human life begins as a statement.
Some lives (are) hammer(ed/ themselves) into the shape of a question. Believing that they are in fact questions, they search for an answer that will fit them, and when they find an answer that fits they cling to it as though it defines them.
Some lives (are) refine(ed/ themselves) into answers, and try to find as many best fit questions as they can. Being an answer defines their image of themselves, and in order to fulfill their maximum use/purpose, they flutter about between questions and try to fix them all.
Other punctuation marks and tenses. Commanding (implies unspoken other). Exclamation (high point, strong emotion, sharp action). Parenthesis (clarifying or emphasizing). Present tense, past tense, future tense?...
Tired now. Sleeping. |
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jarick's journal